Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" from the book of Revelation speak of the devastation yet to occur during a the time period known as the Great Tribulation. Dr. John Gottman states that the "great tribulation" for relationships usually occurs when one or more of the "four horsemen" present. The "four relational horsemen of the apocalypse" are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Interacting with others from any of these four places creates and magnifies distance and distrust. Their appearance often triggers a similar response in others. The result ... relational Armageddon! (Sellon and Smith, Practicing Right Relationship, pg. 72)

Relationships, continued

The earliest stories from the Bible remind us that God created us to be in right relationships with one another. By right I am not referring to right and wrong but rather ones that are appropriate, healthy and God intended. "These relationships are characterized by honor, respect, love, and care. They are creative, mutual, and generative. When we are in right relationship we embody God to each other" (Practicing Right Relationship, Sellon & Smith, pgs. 6-8).

Almost every aspect of our lives depends upon right relationship with others and yet the relational skills of our culture has decreased significantly over the past several decades. Sellon & Smith cite two key contributors to the breakdown of relational skills: technological advancements and the breakdown of nuclear families. Technology contributes to isolation and the breakdown in the family has not served as a healthy model for children to follow. It's difficult for people in our culture to know how to establish sustainable loving relationships.

The Church has a vital role to play in our society regarding relationship development. If the Church does not provide the means for individuals to raise their relational IQ then our society is doomed. It is through right relationship that people find transformation and fulfillment.

What are some things we can do better as a Church to raise the relational IQ of our attenders and community? I'm looking for ideas ... can you help me out? :-)

Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian

Relationship # 5

Do you have a book or two in your library that you read and re-read because they help maintain some level of senility in your life? I do. Of course the Bible is one (you can't top sacred literature for soothing the savage beast). Another one that is near and dear to my heart is titled, "Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior" by Arthur Paul Boers. It's a great read for any church leader, for sure!

No church is immune to the problems that can arise when attendees behave in selfish or difficult ways. I have found that responding to such situations with some level of understanding as to why people "act out" in a relational system, incorporated with self-awareness regarding my role and means to affect/effect the system can make the difference between peace and disaster. Books like Boers helps me to keep my mind in perspective and my tongue in check. Paul admonition to the saints was "to let "no" unwholesome word come out of your mouth except that that which is edifying to your brother" (Ephesians 4:29).

The emotional state of the leader has a tremendous effect upon any group. So when a leader can make contact with with the "more anxious ones" (notice I did not use the "J" word) , bringing his/her best thinking to bear, hearing the concerns, validating people, communicating and demonstrating that relationship is primary over the issues present at the time, that the anxiety will dissipate and the group will be more apt to find common ground, seek out solutions and work them, and move forward with one another for the glory of God.

Some times it only takes one to change the unhealthy patterns in a relational system like home, church or work. Will you be that one? That would make at least two of us!

Now I've got a hankering for beef jerky ... got to go! Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian

Relationship # 4

"Self management puts us in a position to choose how to use the thoughts and feeling constantly swirling within us rather than to be used by them" (Sellon & Smith. Practicing Right Relationship, page 31).

During times of conflict most people choose to not take responsibility for self. In our Life Training Workshop we teach the 100% rule: "You are 100% responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions - 100% of the time." We also say "that if you cannot maintain peace and calm around the woundedness, brokenness, mistakes and preferences of others then you have a problem that must be addressed by the Lord Jesus." The scriptural basis for this is James 4:1, "Where do quarrels and fights come from? Do they not come from the things that war and rage within you?"

Conflict always occurs when we see the other person as the problem. Dr. Terry Wise, the chair of my dissertation committee said once that "conflict is like two cars trying to occupy the same parking space at the same time." When we view the differences, preferences, opinions or needs of others as an attempt to occupy "our space" then the sparks of conflict begin to fly. Before long we then begin labeling people as instigators, malcontents, troublemaker, nonspiritual and sometimes even sinners.

It's virtually impossible to solve problems and resolve issues when people act in this manner. The best place to begin is by holding a mirror up to ourselves and examining our attitudes, thoughts and actions. Then we should ask God, "I'm pretty stirred up in this moment. It there something You want to tell me or show me about myself?"

Keep in mind we are all part of an emotional system that is uniquely interconnected with others... whether we are talking about a marriage, family unit, work or our church. The way to influence "our" system is to change self because no matter how hard we try we cannot change another person. We can only contribute good and positively influence the systems of our lives by maintaining our peace and calm, talking to people and not about them, and by inviting God to lead the process of self examination.

A little self management can go a long way to promoting peace and calm. The next time someone attempts to "get into your space" so-to-speak, assess what's happening, ask God to review your heart/motives; define what role you have played and how to modify that role so that it brings about a better relationship and is solution focused. Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian

Relationship # 2

"Practicing right relationship is the key to finding purpose, fulfillment, and increasing effectiveness in your congregation" (Sellon & Smith, Practicing Right Relationship, The Alban Institute, 2005).

Wow, Sellon and Smith sure said a mouthful there! The key to effectiveness in any home, group or organization is contingent upon people knowing what healthy relationship looks like and then practicing it. You can click on the following link to view a healthy/unhealthy relationship wheel diagram to learn more on this subject - http://labmf.org/facts/relationships.

The fact of the matter is, if we are not consistently practicing right relationship we will naturally default to one or more of the common behaviors that destroy togetherness. In counseling I refer to these specific actions as "the coffin nails of relationship." When "the nails" are used the "lid" on intimacy is slammed down and secured and people are driven further apart. Often times making it more difficult and less desirable for them to engage relationship again. In the Church this means that people feel unloved and under valued, ministry is stunted, effectiveness is lost, and motivation is squelched.

What are the "Coffin nails of relationship?"
One, FIGHT: start an argument, criticize, compete with others.

Two, FLEE: Leave emotionally (or actually), change the subject, sweep things under the rug, stop talking.

Three, FREEZE: Stop contributing to the health of the relationship/group, stop sharing self emotionally, withdraw, become helpless and paralyzed.

Four, CARE TAKE: Have all the answers and exclude others, dominate, do all the talking, and worry about a third person (or another cause) and not work on the problem.

Five, TRIANGULATE: This refers to talking about people but not to the person whom you have the problem is with.

So, are you relationally functional? What does that mean? The difference between functional and not is this ... Functional people can identify a problem, admit they have a problem, seek solutions, and work the solutions. Dysfunctional people generally make others responsible for the problem and wait for others to change. They will consistently blame, shame and defame the people they have issues with and will not value relationship (or Christ's mission) enough to find or work out healthy solutions.

Are you practicing right relationship at home, work and at church? Thanks for stopping by today!
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Adrian

Relationship

"Being the best one can be in one's relationship system is extraordinary leadership" (Wilkes, Jesus on Leadership, Tyndale Press)

Relationship is important when it comes to leadership. The study and practice of it must be priority number one. The first area of study in relationship is self. To borrow the phrase made popular by Plato we must "know thyself." Sometimes (maybe most of the time) the greatest obstacle in overcoming our relational dysfunction begins with an assessment of ourselves. What affects do we have on others? Are we part of the problem by continually circulating negative emotion, etc., through our relationships at work, home and church?

In family systems we use the words "togetherness" and "fusion" a lot. Togetherness refers to the "emotional glue" that people share in healthy relationship. It speaks of a level of openness, transparency, venerability, intimacy, validation, etc., that naturally occurs between people who take personal responsibility for self and live accordingly with other like-minded people.

Fusion, on the other hand, refers to the interdependency and reactivity people can grow into through relationship if they do not maintain a healthy perspective. When fusion occurs people give away a portion of self to another. Personal boundaries disappear and self becomes the responsibility of another. If we are unhappy it is due to the other person's action or lack there of. If we have a problem it becomes the responsibility of the others to fix it. The result: when anxiety occurs everyone in the relationship experiences and reacts to it.

Conflict occurs and people become less motivated when a leader refuses to take responsibility for self. It is only when one is willing to stop, examine self, and work on the personal impact one is having on relationship will healthy change occur and positive energy be infused into our relational system. Healthy leaders "know thyself" and the impact their attitude and actions have on another. Are you striving to be such a person? Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian

Affinity

Tonight I have a funeral to preach. My friend Bill Hathaway died last weekend at the age of 92. I met Bill eleven years ago when I moved to Willoughby Hills. He and Dorothy opened their heart and home to me and relationship developed. I will miss Bill.

Bill was 45 years my senior and I wonder why there would be such an affinity between the two of us? Was the chemistry just right, as they say? Was it because Bill was still young at heart and would still dream with me? Was it simply because we both enjoyed teasing his wife? There could be a number of reasons I guess, for the “connect” between Bill and Adrian, most of which I may never fully understand.

This morning as I reflect on the other friendships I enjoy with others I realize there is a “connect” if you will, with many men that I simply cannot fully understand. It just is. However, I have a sneaky suspicion that “affinity” exists between us because of our common interest in Jesus Christ. He seems to be the chemistry, the “mortar” of our relationship.

I thank God today for such relationship. Especially for the men He has placed in my life. Men who love Jesus Christ and have fully consecrated the sum total of their existence in relationship with Him. My friends are men who are committed to family. They are men who value their wife and child more than personal gratification. Men who consistently aspire to a cause that extends beyond personal gain. Men who are determined not to simply let “history repeat itself” but endeavor to “set history straight” for others to orient their lives too.

I like this kind of connect. It is affinity at its best. I pray that my tenure on earth will have favorable impact on others as others have had impact on me.

I’ll see you later Bill. The days are long but the years are short. One day I to will pass but until then, I'll continue to live!

Thanks for stopping by!
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Adrian