Thursday, July 9, 2009

Family of God # 3

The emotional process of congregations tends to press people into a position in a similar way the nuclear family does. It may be positive in assisting people in doing/living their best in life or it may compress them into chronic anxiety and reactive behaviors that can be professionally and relationally devastating. Our relational systems either bring out the best in people or the worst at times.

The local church is made up of many relational systems/units. The people in each unit is interconnected with each other emotionally. During times of high anxiety it will pass from person to person and nearly always end up resting on the most immature member of the group. In family systems theory we refer to this as "the family projection process." Through this process we understand how people from the same group can act so differently at times to the same set of circumstances. Some are able to adjust and others are not.

Generally speaking, in a church situation we tend not to just look at the person "acting out" as the problem but assume they are the "identity person" for their relational group or projecting pain from their childhood. Sometimes the anxiety of their group is more than they are able to contain so it spills out. The anxiety can be associated with either their nuclear family, life in general or triggered by the group they are association with at church.

There are eight common ways in which emotionally immature people act out at home or church (these 8 are taken from Gilbert's book, The Eight Concepts of the Bowen Theory, page 85ff).
1. The good person - They usually are not a problem for the church but wear themselves out emotionally/physically trying to please everyone.

2. The rebel - Also known as the black sheep. Their preferred pattern for life is conflict. Trouble usually appears wherever the rebel is.

3. The sick one - Often times this person absorbed and deferred the dysfunction in their family of origin through symptoms of chronic illness. Through sickness they got attention and felt safe. They will often do the same in church.

4. The caretaker - This position is usually assumed in a home where parents are absent or unavailable emotionally. Many children of alcoholics assume this role because they had to care for younger siblings due to mom and dad's drinking. In the church they tend to dominate others and tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

5. The family therapist - They go thorough life trying to have all the answers and solve every one's problems.

6. The star - The star is the over-achiever in the family and is the favored one of their siblings. They tend to not do well in adult relationship because they often have unrealistic expectations for others (and self).

7. The comic - They often learn how to be a clown while growing up as way to cut the family tension. Unfortunately they often never learn how to take life/relationships seriously however.

8. The favored child - Usually very congenial and "blessed" by the family. However often times they become untouchable and intimacy avoidant in their relationships.

In the church these eight common behaviors will present through the "family projection process" during times of anxiety. Most of the time it is a symptom of a much deeper problem stemming from a person's childhood and being triggered by life's pressure-cooker or through their relational system at church. If its the group at church causing the person to "act out" then church leaders must work within the system to relieve the anxiety and foster healing and emotional maturity in the group member.

What should the goal of church relationship be? To be made whole and conformed into the likeness of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28-29) and to spur one another on to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24). What's your take on all of this? Thanks for stopping by today!
------
Adrian

1 comment:

  1. This is huge and could well be the subject of a lengthy study! The relational patterns from childhood persist in crippling 'mature adults'. I see my parents... myself... and unfortunately my children... And yes, my church and relationships there. My testimony is that through Christ we can overcome, but it is a process. God the Father, our Daddy, is the beginning of reparenting and lasting change!
    Shalom! KJ

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